Why I Don’t Think This Will Turn Out Very Well

I bePessimistlieve mine is a doomed species, but it’s not because I’m some sort of Bible-thumping doomsayer. I arrived at my dour perspective after watching events of the world unfold during the last half-century or so and reading as much as I could about what other people thought and did, paying special attention to those who disagree with my uncomfortable predictions for our near future. When I presume we will wind up a few hundred yards short of the runway, it’s because I honestly believe my species, as a group, is too stupid to survive. This doesn’t make me angry or upset, since I view it merely as the inevitable result of certain ineluctable trends in our decaying “culture”. We plant turds and expect to harvest spumoni. That’s not how it works.

Maher Lib ConSince I am an American and have only visited other countries for very short spans of time, I will confine my comments to what I have experienced in my own. Also, several of these remarks refer specifically to the artificial “right” and “left” constructs which have been rammed down our gullets since birth, but my aim is to address the entire political and social spectrum of down home, frightened-by-everything, cyanide a la mode American idiocy. My apologies to anyone who feels singled out. It is not my intent to do so.

One of the behaviors that convinces me we are courting buzzards is the prevalence of Ignorancesentences beginning with “Well, everybody knows . . . “. This is dumb on several levels. First of all, it is literally untrue. It may well have been the case in, say, 300 A.D. or thereabouts, but there is no one alive today who actually knows “everybody,” so, right off the bat, the absurdity of this statement reeks like your fat aunt’s leaky colostomy bag.

Of course I understand that when people say “everybody,” they don’t mean literally “everybody,” but I must wonder why they say things they don’t really mean or understand. What they are trying to say, I think, is “everybody I know personally,” but even this is inaccurate. Everybody lies, and that includes their friends. Sorry. Nobody really knows what their friends really think. What these misinformed minions REALLY mean is “everybody who agrees with me,” and it is often the case that these deep thinkers don’t ever listen to anyone who disagrees with them, preferring to see dissenters as malevolent agents of Satan, so discussing anything beyond hockey scores with them is a waste of time anyway, as was this paragraph.

Another reason I honestly believe the American hourglass only has a few grains of sand Oilleft is that we are a culture completely dependent on oil. We know for a fact it’s running out, and those of us who are not idiots realize it’s killing us, yet both Storm Trumpers and Hillarybots alike insist on buying huge, unnecessary vehicles to feel “safe”. It would be nice if that gargantuan SUV could save you and your over-parented children from earthquakes or hurricanes or the inevitable firestorms which will start popping up in a few years, but it probably can’t.

Neither will the Volt, but at least you can say you tried.

HoaxSpeaking of idiots, there are still millions of fools who believe global warming is some sort of Commie plot. The oil companies who have successfully backburnered uncomfortable data in your Facebook feed can’t completely hide the demonstrable fact that the last few years have each been the hottest on record, yet too many morons still think it’s a hoax. Probably the same crowd who are convinced a Kenyan Black man conspired successfully with wealthy White bankers, for almost fifty years, so he could be their President. That snowball Bubba just threw at you is solid proof planetary heating’s not real, right?

PLEASE don’t reproduce.

Some of these simpletons feel they have been righteous enough to prove their st-reaganworthiness for The Rapture, or some such twaddle, and don’t have to worry about their planet being turned into a George Foreman grill. Or they distrust scientific data because they can’t read well enough to understand it. Or their name is Scott Pruitt. They also tend to lionize Ronald Reagan, decidedly not a rocket scientist, who ripped solar panels off the White House in between selling weapons to “the enemy” (I’m not sure how that fits this argument, but it seems to make sense, so I’m leaving it in there).

But maybe it’s because they’re just really fucking stupid. This is certainly not a crime, nor is it their fault (although the inbreeding doesn’t help), but these human pie plates are now running the country. If I have to choose between voting for an annoying, bleeding heart, socially correct “Liberal” with an advanced degree, or some trucker dude in a MAGA hat who claims Jesus told him the Earth is 6,000 years old, I’m going with the “Liberal” douchebag every time. Stupid people should not run countries.

There. I said it.

american-exceptionalism-81085810218“Real” Americans believe they have the Gawd-given right to treat other countries like cow flop and expect no repercussions or retaliation whatsoever. They feel entitled to invade whomever they like whenever they please and are genuinely shocked when cunts like the ISIS boys arise, since these patriotic geniuses have been trained to be incapable of seeing any possible connection between the two events. They are clearly Global Manifest Destiny fans, even though many of them can’t spell it. And when the country goes bankrupt from putting two wars on credit, they blame the Mexicans.

We honestly believe in American exceptionalism. We ignore America’s history of slaveryus-imperialism-latuff-latin-america-racism and racism, torture, illegal invasions, genocide, corporate corruption, the declining standard of living, the massive transfer of wealth to the wealthy, sexism, mistreatment of veterans, underfunded schools, crumbling infrastructure, our own war criminals, tainted elections, filthy water, toxic air, and shitty music. We continue to vote for bought-and-paid-for men and women who ignore us. We like to pretend the island of non-biodegradable garbage floating in the Pacific doesn’t exist. We work tirelessly to support a system that has been irretrievably broken for years and is incapable of fixing itself until well after Jesus comes for The Special People.

In short, we are indeed too dumb to survive, and I think the other, innocent animals will be much better off when we’re gone. Assuming we’ve left any planet for them, of course.

MarilynOn a final note, all you people who say “Hey Mr. Gubmint! Keep your damn hands off my Social Security!!”? You know who you are. Kindly befriend a screamingly “liberal,” helicopter parented, Izod-wearing perfect All-American family, preferably one who fell for buying one of those poorly-constructed McMansions so they could host boring parties for their cookie cutter friends. Resolve all your obvious differences, and when you’ve arrived at your collective We are the World moment of reconciliation, find a microwave. Position yourself in front of it, waist level, alongside your baby mama or mamas, your water headed children, and all your new friends with their squeaky clean cut spawn. Stand there for about an hour and a half and feel the burn. Hear them eggs fry and them spermatozoa sizzle, until you are incapable of creating any more of you.

Thank you, and have an awesome day.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. MightyFee says:

    Thanks, Etta. Your optimism baffles me, but I’m envious.

    Like

  2. Etta Zasloff says:

    Chris, your points are right on, but I hope your premise is wrong. I remain optimistic despite the facts. Beautifully written piece.

    Like

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