It’s A Wonder We Can Even Feed Ourselves

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August 14, 2011

I was in a foul mood the other day (believe it or not), so to alleviate my grumpiness I donned sneakers and workout gear and went straight to Wendy’s. Yeah, I know, I know, the “slow death of fast food” and all that, but I’d been on a 1300-calories-a-day diet for almost three weeks and I wanted something gooey and delicious. Never let it be said that I’m not just as capable of being stupid as the next guy. Besides, it’s a guilty indulgence, not a way of life, so screw you.

I queued up on the drive-through line behind one of the many monster vehicles which infest my neighborhood during the summer, this one driven by a bronzed tourist whose only use for a vehicle of that size and weight is to feel “safe”.  When it was my turn to speak into the little catcher’s-mitt shaped speaking thing on a pole, I asked for a Chocolate Oreo Frosty With Extra Oreo.  Completely bad for me, thoroughly delicious.

The disembodied voice living in the catcher’s mitt told me, “Sorry sir, but we don’t carry that anymore.  Would you like to try a parfait?”  It was too late to turn back now, so I grumbled “Sure,” rolled up to the pay window, forked over my $2.15, and was handed a tiny vanilla parfait with some broken Oreos littering the top of it.

That’s when the fun started.  Someone in the Wendy’s marketing department apparently failed Geometry in high school or was kicked in the head repeatedly during his or her infancy, because this miserable parfait concoction is nearly impossible to eat.  First of all, the half-globe clear plastic hat they stick on top of the thing has a hole in it, ostensibly for eating through, a hole which is roughly an inch or so in diameter.  That’s fine, except the SPOON they give you to eat it with is about an inch and a HALF in width, making it utterly useless as a utensil.

“But,” you might say, “all that needs to be done is to remove the half-globe hat thing and dive in.”  Ah yes, except they fill the cup to overflowing, and the overflow is contained by the plastic hat thing, so if you reMOVE the hat thing the ice cream gooshes out over the side of the cup and onto your lap, or down your neck, or wherever.  There is, in short, no way to eat a Wendy’s parfait, without making a complete mess, other than by using the handle end of the spoon, inserting it through the inadequately wide one-inch hole, and ladling enough ice cream down your neck so the overall goo level is below where the hat thing attaches and then take the hat thing off and eat the ice cream like a normal human.  Got that?

How is it that no one at Wendy’s has realized this already?  Why does a huge organization like Wendy’s indulge in obvious stupidity when it would be so easy (I think) simply to design a plastic half globe hat thing with a slightly wider food access aperture?  Am I missing something?  I realize in the grand scheme of life this is a trivial matter and I should probably just relax and drive over to Burger King instead, but it makes me nuts that this sort of stupidity is blithely accepted while the powers that be strive mightily to destroy education and make us even dumber than we already are.

Clearly we don’t need their help.  We’re already figuring out ways to make it difficult to feed ourselves.


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